Thursday, April 30, 2009


The whole heaven and hell thing seems so simplistic and arbitrary. Who slides through the gates and who gets rejected by God’s bouncer? Just imagine if you and your friend were both borderline but because you once lied and said you were sick instead of going to the pub with him, he got in and you didn’t. Should he get to spend eternity floating around playing frisbee with Ghandi while you are thrown in the fiery pits of hell?

I reckon the system is probably a bit more complex. Life is really a big series of tests like the HSC and instead of getting a TER at the end you get an HER (Heaven Entrance Ranking). Rather than determining what tertiary institution you go to it determines what part of heaven you get to.

Obviously all the real goodie goodies like Mother Theresa will go to the really luxurious part of heaven where you constantly get the best of everything. I figure someone like me whose performance has been basically good but undistinguished will get in but it will be to the heavenly equivalent of UWS.

I’d say I’d have some virgins waiting for me but they’d probably have a bit of a muffin top or a gap tooth or an annoying pommy accent. I could eat ice cream whenever I wanted but it would be No Frills neapolitan and someone else would have already had all the chocolate. They’d have really good TV but you’d probably still get a few ads. At least it wouldn’t be those ones offering funeral insurance. I hate those ads.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Sexual Mr Miyagi

In Daniel’s formative years Mr Miyagi played an invaluable role in shaping the boy in to an awesome fighting machine capable of kicking the arses of his tormentors. Let’s face it though – not every young kid needs karate.

I could handle getting in the occasional scrap at school but as a teenager I had no idea when it came to girls. I needed a sexual Mr Miyagi.

Like most who attended boys’ schools I was completely clueless about girls and other than a very vague idea of what is supposed to go where I knew bugger all. In order to learn some technique I would have been happy to wax a whole lot of cars and paint a whole lot of fences but no weird Asian guys ever came to help me.

Needless to say my first sexual encounters just involved a lot of awkward fumbling followed by a string of apologies. While I believed my performance has improved somewhat since it was coming off a very low base.

I think it would be awesome to start a business called Sexual Mr Miyagi which gives growing teens proper sexual instruction. Ultimately I think I could hook up with a driving instruction business and do package deals – something catchy like a drive and muff dive special.

In the years since I’ve been a teenager I have had the opportunity to have sexual experiences with a reasonable sample size of women and I must say that performance levels have been highly variable. To achieve a consistent high standard across the board we need better education.

High school kids spend countless hours learning quadratic equations, trigonometry, physics and all sorts of other shit they will never use in their life. Just about all of them will however have a root at some point. So why can’t they do 3 unit sex for the HSC?

If we all became awesome in the sack just imagine what it would do for our country. I think it would be a great source of national pride. We’d also be happier and fitter and surely tourism would boom. Australia needs a Sexual Mr Miyagi.

Monday, April 27, 2009

And the biggest loser is?

Anyone watching the show.

To me The Biggest Loser represents all that is wrong with modern Western society. The fact that it rates so highly is deeply disturbing. It is wrong on so many levels but let me explore just a few reasons why I believe The Biggest Loser represents a decline in our civilisation.

Obese fuckers - The contestants were such gluttons that they didn’t have the sense, willpower or moral wherewithal to stop at one bucket of chicken each meal time. That this is such a common problem is quite astounding. Did their mothers just let them eat their entire birthday cake and not teach them about sharing?

Cry babies – Every time I saw a promo for that show someone was crying. The script seems to be: lose a kilo – cry, jog up a hill – cry, eat a lettuce leaf – cry. There were people in concentration camps who lost just as much weight and endured a whole more without blubbering every three seconds. Harden up!

Miracle cures – the show is primarily a platform for advertising bullshit weight loss products to people who are too lazy to actually get off the couch and do any form of exercise. I am no doctor but replacing all your meals with some show sponsored milkshake doesn’t seem like a brilliant way to go about weight loss. Try star jumps.

Weird flappy arms – Losing all that fat means there is a whole lot of left over skin and it just creeps me out. Maybe they could stretch it out and fashion themselves into some kind of human sugar glider. Is this where evolution will take us?

Newsworthiness – There is a hell of a lot of interesting stuff going on in this world but if some fat fuck gets in shape it gets headlines (especially if they are a celebrity fat fuck). We have the communication resources to access anything and this is what we choose? I believe the fact that the masses are transfixed by such crap demonstrates a counter-renaissance is in motion. Get ready for a new dark age chock full of airheads and fat fucks.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

World for All People Update

Yesterday we took some top photos that I'm sure Rick will love. Check them out. The latest corrsepondence is also below.

Hi Rick!

I just thought I’d let you know that the people in Sydney have really taken to the “World for all People” concept. Everywhere we went people loved it! I think the song and the video will be a major hit!

We took some awesome photos yesterday so hopefully you can use more than one. I especially like the one with the clowns! Unfortunately the text on our signs didn’t come up all that clearly but I’m sure someone as clever as you are could work some magic on Photoshop.

Unfortunately I also have a bit of sad news. Our cheerleader friend Sandy who was going to do the choreography on some dance routines had an accident on Saturday. She was cheering during a rugby match when the ball struck her on the head and sent her crashing into the fence. She is now in a medically induced coma but the doctors seem confident she’ll pull through. I hope you can say a prayer for her.

Sandy was also going to arrange the human pyramid but on reflection I was thinking maybe you could get some Egyptians to do that in front of the pyramids. I think the juxtaposition would be great!

One of our friends is going to Ireland and is keen to take some pictures over there with something Irish like a leprechaun or U2 or a drunk person. I don’t really know much about Ireland but she’s Irish so I’m sure she’ll come up with something totally ace!

You will also notice a nude photo in amongst the collection. We were thinking we could write “world for all people” on all different body parts. I am hoping to get a picture of my pregnant friend for you with the words written across her belly. How good would it be to see different parts of different people from different parts!

Good luck with all your efforts in putting together the video. Be sure to keep us up to date with how you are going and if you have any draught versions we’d love to see them.

Peace Out.

J W !! You totally totally rock!These are fantastic, I love them! I'm really sorry to hear about your friend Sandy, and I am sure hoping for the best for her. And ... I will be looking forward to what your other friend comes up with in Ireland - I haven't even found anyone to talk with there yet! Most of all, I think to have that across pregnant woman's tummy - big as possible! :-) That is a very beautiful idea. :-) That might be the very best idea. :-)I think it will be a long time before I have even a draft video - I am really excited about this and want to make the very best video I possible can, so I am still working on the planning for some parts. You know , it just occurred to me that you might like to see an effort I did last year .. its not as good as this will be , but I wager you will like it: thank you again you are lifting my spirits about what we can accomplish with this!! I hope you can extend my thanks too to everyone helping you there. We are all brothers and sisters. Peace out, and will be in touch soon! :-) Rick

Thursday, April 23, 2009

My plan for getting rid of drugs in society

I am against drugs on a number of fronts.

1. People who take drugs spend most of their time talking about drugs which makes them shit conversationalists. I don’t care about where they are going to score, what they are going to take at an upcoming party or how of his face Darren was on Friday. It’s boring.

2. Drugs help dickwads earn a living. Dealers are generally skittish tracky wearing rejects who couldn’t cut it at McDonalds. Higher up the chain the clothes may get better but the people just become even bigger wankers.

3. Drugs are really bad value. If you are in Colombia it might make economic sense to derive your enjoyment from cocaine but here there is about a 1000% mark up. Why not do something cheaper and more original like jumping around naked on a trampoline?

My plan to tackle drugs relies on a couple of theories.

1. People take drugs because it is a rebellious thing to do. If something has the potential to piss off your parents and get you in trouble with school teachers and policemen, it will obviously attain some edgy cool status.

2. People enjoy drugs because they are at fun events when they take them. If you are lining it up at some ridiculous Elton John party with loads of famous people and mounds of expensive caviar you’d probably come to associate drugs with good times. Likewise if you were smoking a bong on a comfy couch while watching the Simpsons and eating Tim Tams.

Under my plan drugs would not only be legalised, but there would be prominent government campaigns encouraging people to take drugs. Teachers and parents would all become strong advocates of drugs. Mums would stop nagging their kids to eat their peas and start telling them to inject their heroin. Instantly rebellious teens would be turning away from drugs en masse.

Drugs would also be offered far cheaper. Government agencies would under-cut the dealers and quickly put them out of a living. To obtain your drugs you would however have to go to a government building. I’m imagining somewhere like an RTA with bad carpet, a lot of cheap grey plastic chairs and a dehumanising number waiting system.

You would then be forced to take your drugs on the premises. There would be nothing to do there but sit in the uncomfortable grey chair, stare at the bad carpet and shield your eyes from the strong fluorescent lights. Eventually people would come to associate drugs with having a bad time and they would no longer be a problem in our society.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Stripper Clowns

Having hit my thirties I am now once again getting invites to kids’ birthday parties. Sadly the promise of fairy bread, lolly bags and pass the parcel just doesn’t excite me the way it did when I was five. To encourage the parent generation to go anywhere near a house where there will be 20 screaming kids high on red cordial I think some adult entertainment should be provided. Hence my genius idea of stripper clowns.

It would work like this. Stripper clown comes in to the backyard and does a show for the kids, blowing up a few balloons in the shape of animals, juggling, riding a unicycle and pulling a string of handkerchiefs from out of her sleave.

Then stripper clown goes indoors and does a show just for dad and his mates. Usually when you get to see a stripper it is quite predictable but with a stripper clown I think it could go in any direction. Obviously there could still be a bit of balloon work and she could still pull a string of handkerchiefs from somewhere or other. I’d expect there would be some tassels under the clown suit and maybe she could work in some good circus freak stuff. Naturally she could do her whole act along to that circus music that goes de de de deda la la la dada.

Stripper clowns would not just be good for kids’ birthdays, they would also be great for bucks nights where the buck has a clown phobia. Every bucks night should be a mix of titillation and humiliation and I think a stripper clown just makes sense.

Monday, April 13, 2009

World For All People

Last month I put a listing on Craigslist trying to encourage people to join the Guerrilla Poetry Organisation. I got no interest from poets but I did receive an email from Rick, an extremely naive Canadian with a grand plan. I think you will find the email dialogue interesting.


Hello. :-) "Fight Club For The Pain Averse Poetry" gotta like that.I am not a poet but I am reaching out to people around th world to - perhaps you and/or your group would help with this:----I am writing to you from Vancouver Canada. This is a very unusual, but sincere, request. Please take a moment to read it - you will like it :-)I am wanting to make a friend in every country, who will do a small thing to help with a good-hearted project. And it is fun! I went to craigslist to look, and saw your post there, and that is how I chose to ask you. It is just a youtube music video project ... about making a better world. It is a small thing really, but it is the right time in the world to try such things. I have found someone in China, Mexico, Bahamas, the US, Peru, and several other countries that are going to help me with this. It is easy: Each of them will get a small group of people, all smiling, and holding a up a banner or sign, and it will say; " World For All People " That's it! They will hold it up with some friends, probably outside showing the local background there, ( a landmark perhaps?) and have a picture taken, all smiling, and then send the picture to me ... to be included with the others in the video, with the nice song. I wonder if you would consider doing this with me .. sincerely, it is a small, peaceful, well meaning gesture, and project about bringing the people of the world together. Idealistic I know, but it can't hurt to try. It is not what you posted for but it is a sweet, happy thing. What do you think? :-)Sincerely Rick Vancouver

Thanks for inviting us Rick. That sounds like an awesome plan!

I have spoken to a number of our members and they are up for it. In discussing the idea someone put up the suggestion that we do the photo in the state that god intended us. We have quite a mix of shapes, sizes and skin tones so I think the "world for all people" message would come across stronger if we were to disrobe. It may also garner a lot more attention on Youtube! Obviously it would have to be done tastefully - maybe we could put the sign across our private parts. A couple of our members used to be cheerleaders and they also suggested we do a human pyramid but maybe that is making things to complicated.

Let me know what you think.


Hi! :-) That's a great idea! :-) I think it really would have to be a situation where, for the broadest viewing audience possible, all 'private parts' were covered with the sign or banner. But I LOVE the idea of having some of the pictures with people who have disrobed, it will surprise people when they appear among the others. :-)Creative is good! Even the ones that thought a pyramid idea would be cool have a pretty good point ... if it can be done without problems. :-) If all of your group is in one country .. then one pic will do - however you want to do it. :-) If you can help with getting these pictures in more than one country ...I have some more , slightly different suggestions for each suggestions... :-) And thanks in a bigger way ! It is very very cool to get help with this!Looking forward to your pic and/or hearing more from you. :-) Rick


I think your project has so many possibilities! I was really keen on the naked pyramid thing but a friend pointed out that Lindy England has already done that Abu Grahib so it might be a bit passe now.

Our group is only small but there are plenty of other people who I am sure would be interested. There was a picture in the paper today of Australia's basketball team for the dwarf Olympics (I think they prefer to be called people of shorter stature but I guess that is a bit too much to inscribe on the medals). I know someone who knows one of them so maybe I could get them involved also.

Would it just be limited to photos or could we take some video and maybe choreograph a dance? (maybe something like Thriller or the bit in Ferris Bueller's Day Off where he is in the parade and the people on the steps do that awesome synchronised bit). I think if you got the Mexicans and Chinese and Peruvians all doing the same thing it could make a top video.

What is the song like? If it is like Robert Palmer's Simply Irresistable we could perhaps all dress alike and do that thing where we all sway at the same time. In fact I guess we could still do the dance moves even if it didn't sound the same.


Hey J W, My hot mail seems messed up so I switched over to my gmail. You know, I had started out looking for people who would make video portions of the video!! ... and then I switched to simply requesting pictures. But! if you and yours want to go to the effort of making video, that will be very cool, and probably be at least three! And they will mix really well with the still shots and the other components I am gathering. So, JW, if this becomes too much, revert to the still shot(s) any time you like - but a video contribution would be very cool. I have thought of dozens of concepts for video passages. Just as a for instance, we might combine the banners or signs with videos in a multitude of ways. Say, by taking a part of the chorus, (this one), : There Will Be .(pause)....There Will Be .(pause)....There Will Be. A. World For All PeopleTo those words, you could have someone near camera with a sign with the word 'There' on it, and then someone jump out from behind him or her, and in front, with a sign with the word "Will" on it, and then someone with a sign with the word 'Be' on it, and cycle all the way through that passage. Clothed or Unclothed - although again if unclothed caution would be required. ;-)I would edit that so it was timed with the music track.Honestly I don't think its my best idea - just an easy one to explain.That could be done downtown early morning or something where it is definitely not allowed for shock value, or on a beach, or in front of a landmark, or just a nice outdoor setting. But I wager I wager you and your group can come up with lots of other different concepts - with the goal of being visually captivating. Now, to your dance idea, At first I thought well this song is too slow for that. .... ( It has a sort of a pop ballad pace to it) But, actually, I think that comes down to choreography concepts - perhaps something amazing could happen at that pace. People choreographed and like-dressed, or painted, or who-knows-what, slowly dancing ( and smiling! this is a happy concept!). A slow dance thing could be amazing.I am so happy to be finding enthusiasm all over the world for this. :-) ! One thing occurs to me at this moment, if your group does go all out and make some video - fabulous ... and then I would ask that you still do a still shot - with that one sign - for me to put your city and country on the screen with. You could even look like different people (from the video stuff) if you like. I think that component of stills and world-wide locations will help add this up to a great message.Sunday dinner time .. looking forward to hearing from you again :-) Rick


Hi Rick!

I was watching some old family movies over the weekend and it gave me a great idea for the video. I grew up in the country and we had a pet kangaroo called Hoppy who was really cool. When I was really little dad used to tuck me in to Hoppy's pouch and she would jump around the backyard. It was so fun! I was really devestated when dad told me I'd got too big to ride in Hoppy. Watching the old film of me jumping around the backyard with a big smile on my face made me think perhaps I could get a few of my friends' kids to do the same while holding the sign. It would be really cute. Hopefuly we can also get the kangaroos to hop along to the beat -although this may be difficult as in my experience kangaroos generally don't take direction very well. Maybe you could also find someone from New Zealand to ride a sheep. They have lots of those.


Hey J W, I love that idea :-) And I am pretty good at video editing,so I could finagle it a bit ... and and probably get the hopping edited in time with the music. And, you are definitely welcome to do more than one thing. I was thinking about that suggestion I made with people jumping out from behind with signs with a word or two on them - and then I got an image of them dropping in front from something above, just off camera...... and I thought something similar, or different, would do very well with four lines from the 3rd chorus:No More Violence for Religion ...No More Government for Greed ...No More Poisons Where the Winds BlowNo More Children Left In Need Better idea: I am going to paste in the entire lyric below fyi ... it's good to be working with you. :-) Rick-----


And you say you're not a poet - those are lovely lyrics!

Unfortunately there has been a bit of a hiccup with the kangaroo idea as I've been told that it is now considered child abuse to put your child in a kangaroo's pouch. Damn nanny state! Apparently there was a little girl in Western Australia who went for a pouch ride and the kangaroo hopped away and couldn't be found for two days. Fortunately the little girl suckled on the kangaroo and was fine - kangaroo milk is very rich in vitamins. She became rather traumatised however when the authorities shot the kangaroo.

Anyway I was thinking maybe we could do something with hula hoops and have "world for all people" written on our chests. One of our members wants to get it tatooed but I told him it probably wouldn't look very good on the video if it is all fresh and scabby for the shoot. What do you think?


Hey J W :-)Thank you very much about the lyrics. :-) I agree with you, if it is tattoo it would probably be best to wait until all the healing was done. Hula Hoops is cool, anything visually captivating is cool! :-) So the setting can help too .... a landmark near you? or something :-) We never talked about the mechanics of it all... cell phone vdeos shoot in various formats but I can probably convert almost anything... camcorder videos shoot in various too but JVC and Sony etc major brands are easily convertible to .avi files ..which are probably best. What are you planning to film with? It doesn't matter really I am sure we can probably learn to convert anything to anything. I am going to send a second email, a forward that will bring you the draft ...draft=unfinished recording :-) ... it has the lead vocal ... but no background vocals or musicianship added yet... just some hokey guitar i did to help guide the singer .. hearing it might help you decide on what you want to do you might want to sing along as you do something ... I will be able to leave the audio in or out depending on how it goes with everything else ... I am hoping your video is about 12 - 15 seconds .. and then that you do a second - very different looking still shot - with just the sign ... ...we are going to make something of this! :-) Rick

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Hot Cross Buns

With Easter here it got me thinking about that Hot Cross Buns song, which goes:

Hot cross buns, Hot cross buns, one a penny, two a penny, hot cross buns. If you have no daughters, give them to your sons, one a penny, two a penny, Hot Cross Buns.

Two things have always really annoyed me about it. Firstly is someone is selling hot cross buns for one a penny, who the hell is buying them when you can get two for a penny? And how can they justify charging double? It just seems strange unless the people selling one for a penny was a fancy bakery and the one selling two for a penny was a cheap Vietnamese one. I don’t think they had Vietnamese bakeries back when they wrote the song so it just seems like a really poor value proposition.

The more disturbing line though is the one about only giving hot cross buns to your sons in the event you have no daughters. I’d feel bloody ripped off if mum came home with a bag of hot cross buns and only gave them to my sister. Such blatant discrimination in song form should not be encorouged.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Two Birds, One Stone

We have too many fat people and need to produce clean energy. The solution is ridiculously simple – get them riding bikes that generate power. I propose we hook every plasma screen up to an exercise bike. Over time couch potatoes will start looking svelte. People may also examine their viewing choices a lot more closely. Is Today Tonight really worth the effort?

Cycling is awesome for you. The Dutch live longer, grow taller and are healthier than people from other cultures. Scientists put this down to cycling. There are a lot of good looking Dutch people (Guus Hiddink has that weird receding hair thing going on but their ladies hockey team has always impressed). If we want to emulate the Dutch we really need to get off our fat arses and onto our bikes.

If my solution were adopted I think Australia would become a pollution free paradise filled with hotties. And it's not just during TV watching we could be generating. Anywhere you are sitting you could be cycling. It wouldn't take much to power a laptop at work and on the way there those who got a seat on the train would be made to work for the privilege. People at McDonalds could be working off that quarter pounder while they are consuming it. All park benches would be converted to power gnerating exercise bikes (this would also help get rid of bums as exercise bikes aren't very comfortable to sleep on).

Thursday, April 2, 2009

More twitterature

I blogged about twitterature last week. Here are a few more really short stories for anyone doing the MS Readathon.

Like one of those mystery bruises, she just appeared after some drunken night.

She stared at the ceiling searching for the answer and while clients often interrupted her contemplation with repeated cries of “YES”, she knew it wasn’t that simple.

They put his behaviour down to a chemical imbalance in his brain but the psychiatrist’s pills were never going to stop him from being a fuckwit.

The doctor told me to sit down and with that I knew everything was fucked.

How I will get rich via jigsaw puzzles

Most jigsaw puzzles contain really idyllic scenes. You might have some pretty flowers in the foreground, then a couple of deer and a few picturesque snow-capped mountains piercing a perfect blue sky. These are only ever completed on the most shithouse rainy days and serve only to make you really depressed that you are not at the awesome place on the picture but stuck inside with gran completing a jigsaw puzzle.

I’d like to make jigsaw puzzles that make you happy that you are where you are. Maybe I could use one of Lindy England’s Abu Grahib happy snaps. Something showing the direct aftermath of a suicide bomb could also work well. Of course, that would have the added difficulty of having lots of pieces with different body parts that don’t always meet up with each other. Slums, refugee camps and really bad public toilets would all be awesome in helping me build my jigsaw puzzle empire.