Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Sexual Mr Miyagi

In Daniel’s formative years Mr Miyagi played an invaluable role in shaping the boy in to an awesome fighting machine capable of kicking the arses of his tormentors. Let’s face it though – not every young kid needs karate.

I could handle getting in the occasional scrap at school but as a teenager I had no idea when it came to girls. I needed a sexual Mr Miyagi.

Like most who attended boys’ schools I was completely clueless about girls and other than a very vague idea of what is supposed to go where I knew bugger all. In order to learn some technique I would have been happy to wax a whole lot of cars and paint a whole lot of fences but no weird Asian guys ever came to help me.

Needless to say my first sexual encounters just involved a lot of awkward fumbling followed by a string of apologies. While I believed my performance has improved somewhat since it was coming off a very low base.

I think it would be awesome to start a business called Sexual Mr Miyagi which gives growing teens proper sexual instruction. Ultimately I think I could hook up with a driving instruction business and do package deals – something catchy like a drive and muff dive special.

In the years since I’ve been a teenager I have had the opportunity to have sexual experiences with a reasonable sample size of women and I must say that performance levels have been highly variable. To achieve a consistent high standard across the board we need better education.

High school kids spend countless hours learning quadratic equations, trigonometry, physics and all sorts of other shit they will never use in their life. Just about all of them will however have a root at some point. So why can’t they do 3 unit sex for the HSC?

If we all became awesome in the sack just imagine what it would do for our country. I think it would be a great source of national pride. We’d also be happier and fitter and surely tourism would boom. Australia needs a Sexual Mr Miyagi.

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