1. People who take drugs spend most of their time talking about drugs which makes them shit conversationalists. I don’t care about where they are going to score, what they are going to take at an upcoming party or how of his face Darren was on Friday. It’s boring.
2. Drugs help dickwads earn a living. Dealers are generally skittish tracky wearing rejects who couldn’t cut it at McDonalds. Higher up the chain the clothes may get better but the people just become even bigger wankers.
3. Drugs are really bad value. If you are in Colombia it might make economic sense to derive your enjoyment from cocaine but here there is about a 1000% mark up. Why not do something cheaper and more original like jumping around naked on a trampoline?
My plan to tackle drugs relies on a couple of theories.
1. People take drugs because it is a rebellious thing to do. If something has the potential to piss off your parents and get you in trouble with school teachers and policemen, it will obviously attain some edgy cool status.
2. People enjoy drugs because they are at fun events when they take them. If you are lining it up at some ridiculous Elton John party with loads of famous people and mounds of expensive caviar you’d probably come to associate drugs with good times. Likewise if you were smoking a bong on a comfy couch while watching the Simpsons and eating Tim Tams.
Under my plan drugs would not only be legalised, but there would be prominent government campaigns encouraging people to take drugs. Teachers and parents would all become strong advocates of drugs. Mums would stop nagging their kids to eat their peas and start telling them to inject their heroin. Instantly rebellious teens would be turning away from drugs en masse.
Drugs would also be offered far cheaper. Government agencies would under-cut the dealers and quickly put them out of a living. To obtain your drugs you would however have to go to a government building. I’m imagining somewhere like an RTA with bad carpet, a lot of cheap grey plastic chairs and a dehumanising number waiting system.
You would then be forced to take your drugs on the premises. There would be nothing to do there but sit in the uncomfortable grey chair, stare at the bad carpet and shield your eyes from the strong fluorescent lights. Eventually people would come to associate drugs with having a bad time and they would no longer be a problem in our society.