Thursday, February 21, 2013

The shame shake

When I'm on my bike it seems a lot of drivers feel it completely acceptable to completely cut me off when pulling out of driveways, entering a roundabout or changing lanes. Unfortunately I don't have a massive horn on my bike and can not give them the blast they deserve. Instead I have really worked upon my shake of shame. It is a head shake that portrays utter bewilderment and disappointment. It says "that was a ridiculous thing to do. You must realise that was a ridiculous thing to do. Everyone who witnessed this incident realises you are a crap and thoughtless driver who displays a great lack of courtesy and care to vulnerable cyclists. You must be ashamed. I'm ashamed for you. I pity what a crap driver you are." Body language can convey a  lot...

Of course when there is a really close call the shame shake is not enough. Then I use the angry Italian. This basically just involves me waving my arms about in a theatrical manner and shouting a lot.


I don't like how the word 'muppet' gets thrown about in a derogatory fashion. I think it was the English who first started labelling anyone incompetent a muppet but sadly it seems to have caught on globally.

Sure the Muppet Show was not a seamless production, but each week the muppets managed to get it together, overcoming problems and delighting us along the way. The only ones non-pleased with the results of their efforts were the critics Statler and Waldorf.
Sure, the mechanics at my bike shop are incompetent but when I go in there I don't see Elton John in a pink sparkly jumpsuit doing a duet with the guy who is fucking up my brakes. I don't see Johnny Cash or John Cleese or Julie Andrews. I don't see any bears in hats or pigs in feather boas. It just doesn't deserve comparison to the muppets.

I wish there was a muppet bike shop. It would be way more fun and also probably way better. When Kermit road his bike I never noticed him having ongoing issues with his brakes rubbing.

On closer inspection it appears Kermit did not have any brakes. That frog is hardcore.

Monday, February 11, 2013


I don't know if there are any ladies reading this who have bisexual partners but if you are let me suggest something wonderful for Valentines Day. Why not fashion your pubic hair into the shape of a moustache? Not only is it whimsical, it will also help your partner to enjoy you in a whole lot of different ways. You could possibly take it further and apply some googly eyes to your belly and draw on a top hat as well. 

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Solving Sydney's Housing Problem

Anyone who has tried to buy or rent a property in Sydney will know it is ridiculously expensive. You are basically looking at $500 a week to rent a shit-hole apartment or $500,000 to buy a shit-hole apartment. Not good.

Economists will tell you the high prices are due to a problem of under-supply which is not precisely true. It is actually a problem of under-utilisation. In Sydney there are are a ridiculous number of massive houses with just one or two people rattling around in them. If we wanted to instantly solve Sydney's housing shortage we could just pass a law saying that you must have at least one occupant for every bedroom in your house or pay a large tax.

All of a sudden home owners would be taking in boarders or downsizing to appropriately sized properties. Rents would drop ridiculously, students could afford to study and young families might actually be able to afford to live in a family home without both parents working their arses off and never seeing their children. Everyone would have more disposable income and we could afford to buy overpriced coriander at Coles. It would be brilliant.

A reason to season

Watch any of the million cooking shows on TV and you will always see them finish it off whatever dish they have with a few coriander leaves. Instant frickin gourmet.

This trend would be fine except for one thing - Coles. If I want to buy a bunch of coriander from Coles it costs $3. Why? At the Asian grocery store it costs 79 cents and the bunch is way bigger.

Sometimes I do my shopping when the Asian grocery store is closed and sometimes I just couldn't be bothered walking there but is this sort of convenience premium justified? I think not. So fuck you Coles.

I'm afraid my blog is just turning into angry rants about getting ripped off by major corporations. Really, I should have a current affairs show where instead of doing stories about dodgy plumbers I do stories about crap like this.

$3 for coriander. Ridiculous.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Gallery Suggestions

Dr Michael Brand
Art Gallery of NSW

Dear Michael,

For a place which is supposed to be about creativity, the art gallery seems to lack any creativity in the way it exhibits art. Every time I go there it's the same. There's a big room with a few paintings on the wall and people awkwardly shuffling along trying not to speak too loudly for the fear of sounding not quite as all-knowing as the art wanker beside them who is wearing a beret and retro hipster glasses. I quickly get bored, my back starts to hurt and I sit on the couch thinking "why did I come back here - it sucks".

I'd like to offer a few suggestions as to how to make the experience far less sucky, while also making the gallery a truckload more money.

1. Music - there is no reason why the viewing of art has to be conducted in an awkward silence. I'd much prefer to hear some music that adds context and atmosphere to the art, rather than the old lady next to me detailing her cousin Terry's recovery from a hip operation. It's not that hard. Simply choose a musician and get them to curate a collection of songs to go with an exhibition. Try Nick Cave - arty people love him. You then have something extra to flog in the gift shop and on iTunes.

2. Beanbag train - No one likes standing up on a hard surface. It causes back pain and detracts from the enjoyment of the art. It would be far better if you could install something like in one of those Sushi Train restaurants, except instead of sushi plates going around you have people on comfy chairs or beanbags. I'd pay extra for that. By cranking up the speed on the beanbag train you could also get more people through exhibitions in periods of peak demand, further increasing your revenue.

3. Alcohol - People get in to a far more philosophical head space and have more interesting conversations when they have consumed alcohol. It undoubtedly adds to the enjoyment of the art. So why not have a bar at the entrance of the exhibition? This would also be a sure-fire money spinner. These days you can get away with ridiculous mark-ups on alcohol because paying $8 for a beer has somehow become normal in Sydney.

You may well dismiss this letter as the rantings of some disgruntled lunatic but deep down part of you knows I'm right. So why not do some market research on it? I'm sure everyone will tell you their gallery experience would be enhanced by listening to music and getting tipsy in a moving beanbag. How could they not?


Jamie Watson