Heaven

The whole heaven and hell thing seems so simplistic and arbitrary. Who slides through the gates and who gets rejected by God’s bouncer? Just imagine if you and your friend were both borderline but because you once lied and said you were sick instead of going to the pub with him, he got in and you didn’t. Should he get to spend eternity floating around playing frisbee with Ghandi while you are thrown in the fiery pits of hell?

I reckon the system is probably a bit more complex. Life is really a big series of tests like the HSC and instead of getting a TER at the end you get an HER (Heaven Entrance Ranking). Rather than determining what tertiary institution you go to it determines what part of heaven you get to.

Obviously all the real goodie goodies like Mother Theresa will go to the really luxurious part of heaven where you constantly get the best of everything. I figure someone like me whose performance has been basically good but undistinguished will get in but it will be to the heavenly equivalent of UWS.

I’d say I’d have some virgins waiting for me but they’d probably have a bit of a muffin top or a gap tooth or an annoying pommy accent. I could eat ice cream whenever I wanted but it would be No Frills neapolitan and someone else would have already had all the chocolate. They’d have really good TV but you’d probably still get a few ads. At least it wouldn’t be those ones offering funeral insurance. I hate those ads.