Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Vision Personal Training

Dear Vision Personal Training,

This morning I was having a lovely dream where I, along with the Dalai Lama, Michael J Fox (appearing as Teen Wolf), Kurt Cobain, Mr T and most of the Australian cricket team were playing a game similar to water polo that involved riding around on mermaids. This dream was undoubtedly better than anything I have seen at the movies for the past five years. Unfortunately just when I was getting the hang of riding my mermaid I was rudely awaken by one of your trainers who was loudly screaming at those running up the road directly below my apartment.

I looked at the clock, saw it was 6 am and tried to return to my awesome mermaid dream. Instead I got a rather erotic dream where Beyonce and all her dancers were naked backstage and we were playing spin the bottle. Before the bottle had even gone through three rotations I was again rudely awoken by the same yelling below.

I somehow managed to return to the dream but Beyonce and her dancers had been replaced by the randy inhabitants of a nursing home. Their wrinkly skin was sticking to the vinyl chairs and one of them had a catheter attached to a wee bag that held liquid of a disturbingly greenish tinge. There was of course more yelling from below so I didn’t have to endure this dream for too long.

I’m really not sure why people are so imbecilic that they can’t work out how to run up a hill for themselves. The fact people pay your organisation to tell them how to run up a hill still confounds me.

I also really don’t understand why so much yelling is necessary. Could you not just gather your gormless clients down the bottom of the hill and quietly instruct them? Something like… “See that hill? Run up it as fast as you can until you spew. Then when you’ve done that wipe your chin and walk back down.”

If they are too stupid to understand basic instructions perhaps you could just place some electrodes on your clients and give them little jolts by remote control to encourage them up the hill. It would certainly be preferable to having someone disturbing the sleep of the entire neighbourhood.

If you know anything about health you will know that sleep is incredibly valuable. As an organisation supposedly dedicated to health it seems ridiculous that you are negatively affecting the health of everyone within shouting range.

I ask that you see sense and discontinue the practice of loudly yelling in Young Street. This would be better for my health, the health of neighbours and the health of your personal trainer. I mean this because next time it happens I’m going to go out on my balcony and start throwing anything handy at the man with the stupidly loud voice.

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