Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Sebel Kiama

Dear Sebel Kiama,

I recently spent a night in your establishment. At around $300 for the room I was looking forward to a little luxury. Unfortunately I was disappointed on a number of fronts.

1. Single ply

My nether regions have become accustomed to a certain level of comfort and the harsh scratchy feel of singly ply toilet paper was a true shock to my system. Let me ask you this. If you were to invite guests around to your home would you bring out single ply toilet paper? Of course not. Why? Because they would all think you were a cheap arsehole with no concern for their arseholes. 

2. Ceiling tiles

Ceiling tiles are usually only found in depressing places. Cheap offices, public hospitals and the RTA all offer this particularly uninspiring design feature. Walking down a hallway with ceiling tiles makes me recall feelings of visiting an elderly relative who has recently had a body part surgically removed. It doesn’t really scream sophistication and luxury.

3. Hideous artwork

Clearly your artwork was chosen by a vision-impaired accountant. How else could this monstrosity end up on the wall? Civilisation has been making beautiful artworks for millennia and from all the available options you somehow selected a big angry red blob. Notably the artwork was unsigned because the “artist” was no doubt ashamed of their crapness.  

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