The big decision

When I was in my twenties I went for months unemployed. Luckily I lived with my parents so I could live pretty happily without getting the dole.

But what if I was in my twenties now, was unemployed and couldn't rely on my parents for food and shelter? Would I survive by stealing, selling drugs or selling my arse?

Theft is hard because big screen TVs are really bloody big these days and it is awkward carrying them around - especially if you can't afford a car or the petrol that goes in it. Thanks to cheap Chinese manufacturing electronic goods also have very little resale value.

Being a drug dealer is probably not too bad. All you need are some tracky-daks, a bum bag and an old Nokia. You do have to deal with druggies though. Ice is seemingly the most popular drug at the moment and it tends to make its users paranoid and violent. It's not really very good safety wise.

Prostitution is the oldest way of making money but it is a rather drastic step. I know lots of people go for bum sex but it is not really what that orifice's anatomical function is and I can imagine there being significant potential for damage. It is bad enough getting fucked over by the government without actually having to get fucked over.

I could try busking but I don't really have any discernible talents. Potentially I could be one of those annoying squeegee people at the traffic lights, but then I'd hate myself more than if I was a parking inspector.

I think my best option would be to get a monkey that steals people's sunglasses and then charge the victims a fee for me to get them back. It works in many other countries and aside from our lack of monkeys I don't see why it couldn't work here.