Sunday, November 23, 2014

Being a sex god

If you want to play out the fantasy of being a sex god there is no better way to go about it than to ride a bike really fast for 200 kilometres. Whoever conceived of the podium celebration really knew what would spur men on to great pursuits. Firstly they have two tall models kiss you (which is unlikely to normally happen when you are a bony borderline dwarf who spends all their time riding up mountains in lycra).

They then give you a big bottle of champagne which quite obviously is symbolic of your penis. This bottle is usually much bigger than a standard bottle (even though your penis is likely to be very small at this point - seven hours on a hard cycling saddle doesn't do much for blood supply to the region)

The whole crowd delights as you wank off your huge champagne bottle, ejaculate and spray streams of bubbly jizz all over them.

Unfortunately some cyclists see too many porn films and think woman really like having jizz on their face. I really don't think they do. I remember having a schoolroom fight in year 2 which ended up with someone flicking clag glue all over my face. It was horrible. No one wants sticky stuff all over their face and in their eyes. I spent ages trying to unglue the eyelashes on my left eye.


All in all I think podium celebrations are a wonderful harmless fantasy. Winning cyclists should however be a little more careful about where they aim their pantomime penises.

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