Tuesday, September 1, 2009

How I will get rich via dog poo

Dogs are ace but the idea of scooping up their fresh, warm poo in a thin plastic bag really puts me off the idea of owning one.

Thankfully, those smart Japanese have developed a far better solution to this problem. When their dog is ready for a poo they just lay out some newspaper and let Fido express its opinion of world events. Sure they still have to walk around carrying a newspaper full of crap but it’s better than scooping it up in a plastic bag and far more environmentally friendly.

To make me rich I plan on developing an even better way of cleaning up after a pooch. My first option involves a tweak on the Japanese system but instead of newspaper it would be special sheets that would be printed with the faces of politicians and celebrities that people didn’t like. You could probably even special order ones with pictures of ex-lovers printed on them as the business got rolling. Anyway, the sheets would have drawstrings like a garbage bag and once Fido is done you just pull them tight and you’ll have a fresh bag of poo which you can just tie on to the leash or fling hammer-style onto the porch of an annoying neighbour.

The second option would be a bit more high tech. It would work just like a bait pump but instead of sucking up worms or yabbies it would pick up the poo. Best of all you could also shoot the poo wherever you wanted once you were loaded up. I think I’d also add one of those tennis ball flinger things on the end to provide extra functionality. I plan to sell this device using infomercials. At the start there would be a fat woman picking up a sloppy poo and trying not to wretch. Over the top would be a cheesy voiceover saying “Tired of picking up your dog’s filthy crap? You need the Poosucker 3000!” then there would be a hot woman using the poosucker 3000 and eventually they’d get to the bit where they tell you it’s just 3 easy payments of $49.95 (plus 17.95 postage and handling) and if you ring now you get the ball flinger attachment.

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