Loud

Loud does not equal interesting but ours is a world of idiots with megaphones. Let the quiet ones whisper something in your ear.

Awkward compliment

When I'm using a urinal I'm sure to keep my eyes fixed firmly ahead. After all there is an unwritten contract amongst all males that they will stare intently at the tiles in front of them for the thirty seconds it takes before a short shake and careful repackaging of the equipment. Your eyes should really not be roaming at any point during this procedure.

That's why it was particularly weird the other day when I was taking a piss and a guy complimented me on my watch. It's bad enough that he broke the unwritten contract but then to bring attention to the fact that he was gazing at a spot just centimetres from my exposed wang made me really uncomfortable.

Hair

I want to have long hair just so I can cut it all off. When you start with a crew cut there is just not much room for dramatic change.

Jeremy

Today I had a long term client call me Jeremy. I din't correct her the first time because she was in the full flight of saying something else. She kept calling me Jeremy and I could not really be bothered to correct her because it was relatively close and after the tenth time it would have just been really awkward. I wonder if she's getting alzheimers or if I'm just not very memorable?

Stop punching sharks

I think the sharks are only biting us because surfers keep punching them. Every time some surfie dude has an encounter with a shark you hear that they punched it. Why? Most sharks would like to have a good fair fist fight but sadly god didn't kit them out with fists.

Of course, some would mount the argument that they don't go around biting sharks so sharks shouldn't bite them. But is this really the case? When you buy fish and chips you usually get a mysterious fish called flake. Flake is just a fancy made up word for shark. Over your life time you've probably bitten in to hundreds of sharks. I reckon if a shark wants to have a nibble on your leg you should just accept it.

You wouldn't challenge a cripple to a running race so why punch a shark?

Pineapple

I feel sorry for pineapple. People say it has no place on a pizza. Others say it has no place on a hamburger. Why? Just because it is ridiculously sweet?

Being sweet shouldn't be a reason for rejection. Pineapple makes me happy. We should stand up for pineapple rather than deriding it and excluding it. End pineapplephobia now.

BUPA

On the ad for health care fund BUPA they pose the question "what would you do if you met a healthier version of yourself. I'd probably take him to the pub and buy him a chicken schnitzel and a coopers. I wouldn't try to fight him because he would probably outlast me.