Unconventional weapons

I blame pop culture for America's gun problem. Countless movies, TV shows and music videos have made guns look cool - just the way they made cigarettes look cool. Who could watch Dirty Harry and not want a 44 magnum?

Despite guns being heavy and uncomfortable to carry they are regarded by many Americans as a fashion accessory they wouldn't leave home without. As Americans don't seem willing to change their gun laws, I believe we should encourage them towards more unconventional weapons.

Surely the ultimate gangsta accessory would have to be a bowler hat similar to that worn by the James Bond villain in Goldfinger. It would look classy, be far more comfortable than packing heat and also be a really cool weapon. Knocking people over with your bowler hat is completely bad-ass!

I think I might start marketing them online. I will have purple hat weapons with feathers in them for pimps and a Stetson version for people who live in Texas. I might also do ones for the police - although that could be dangerous when they graduate from police academy and all throw their hats in the air. 

Is your fridge running?

I guess you'd better go catch it then... Hilarious but what happened to the good old prank call?

Firstly it was severely damaged by telemarketers. After being bombarded by Indians trying to flog them all manner of crap most sensible people decided to stop interrupting the enjoyment of their lamb roast to pick up the phone. Outside of dinner hours you could generally get through but if you wanted to pretend you were from the electricity company you did have to put on an Indian accent and call people Mr David.

The next thing that ruined it was caller ID. No longer could you scare people by calling your mates and pretending you were a detective from the local cop shop. "Fuck off Jamie, I know it's you".  Wow, it is was disappointing when  it wasn't just my paper-thin impersonation than gave it away.

Mobile phones were pretty much the death of the prank call. Now no one I know under the age of 50 even has a land line. After all who is going to pay Telstra $35 a month to receive telemarketing and prank calls?

I know a nurse suicided after a prank call and now all sorts of wowsers want prank calls banned but I think we should bring back the prank call. Call up one of your elderly relatives today. Suck them in, share a laugh and then let them crap on about their various medical ailments for ten minutes. It is a great way of spreading some love.

Mock meat

It's good to embrace new experiences. If we didn't our lives would be incredibly dull and predictable and we wouldn't learn anything. With this spirit in mind I yesterday went to Vina the vegan Vietnamese. With all that alliteration it had at least something going for it.

I ordered a bowl of noodles and it came with mock meat which did cause some apprehension on my part. What was it like? Confusing I must say. Perhaps like a lesbian being fucked for the first time with a strap-on dildo. A sausage but not a sausage. A chicken but not a chicken. Something strange and false entering my body, causing enjoyment but raising many questions.

What I don't really get is if people aren't in to meat, why do they make food which looks and tastes like meat? Why not just celebrate the glory that is a turnip? I'd go somewhere known for doing amazing things with cauliflower or carrots, but why try to fool me with your Frankenstein bean curd creations? It's just weird.

100's

Normal people carry $50 and $20 notes because that is what ATM's spit out. Hundreds are carried exclusively by dodgy people. If you are carrying a hundred dollar note chances are you are a drug dealer or some sort of tax evader. They should really implant tracking devices on $100 notes or at least make them with ink that bleeds all over you. That way the drug squad and auditors from the ATO could then easily identify dodgy people. In a matter of months we could win the drug war and massively increase taxation revenues by making tradies who do cashies pay their far share.

Alternate gift idea

During Christmas billions of dollars will be spent on crap gifts that no one will ever use. No one needs a foot spa and no one uses a foot spa more than once. Once they do use it they can never re-sell it because who wants a second hand foot spa? That's just nasty. We shouldn't be buying people foot spas. We should be buying them their lives back.

I'd like to start a scheme where you are able to buy people a day off work for Christmas. You just pay their employer and get their time back. If you can't afford a whole day you just buy an afternoon or an extended lunch. That's going to be far more relaxing than a foot spa.

PR war in the Middle East

I don't know much about the Middle East but I do know that if Palestine continues with its current tactics it will continue to get fucked over by Israel. Instead of firing rockets I believe it should resort to a much more interesting tactic.

I would like to see them get a bunch of pigs and write a statement on the side of each of them.

They could read "Israel will no longer blow up children" or "Israel will hand back occupied territories". Of course, past experience would suggest the answer to any of these statements is "yeah, and pigs might fly". So they should make them fly...

Just attach balloons to the pigs and let them float over the fence in to Israel. It's brilliantly visual and bound to get far more TV coverage than depressing coverage of rocket craters. It gets a point across and has the added benefit of pissing off the enemy who are not a fan of pigs.

Of course, in America all you would hear about is the animal cruelty aspect of strapping pigs to balloons. Then the debate would be all about whether it was the Palestinians' fault for strapping balloons to the pigs or the Israelis' fault for blowing cute little Babe into a thousand little pieces with their missile defence system. At least that would be more interesting than the current debate.

Walking sucks

Race walking is about the most pathetic sport there is. People can’t help but laugh at men who wiggle there arse in such a way. Today, using a normal gait, I walked past a guy who was doing a slow race walk – he had all of the wiggling, just none of the forward momentum. I thought he might be humiliated by this but anyone who race walks obviously has a high humiliation threshold.

It seems obvious that the Olympics should replace race walking with hopping. There could be a straight-out endurance race where the person who hops the longest distance without putting their foot down wins. There could also be an extreme hopping event where competitors have to negotiate an obstacle course without putting their foot down. 

The athletes would be like Rodger Federer, just instead of having arms of unequal size, they would have one massive leg. I'd be impressed by the freakishness and the prospect of seeing people fall over always makes a sport far more watchable.