Thursday, June 11, 2009

Fuck You Commonwealth Bank

I'm sick of getting ripped off by the bank so I thought I'd write my bank manager a letter. Hear it is below.

Dear Bank Manager,

One day in the 80’s a handsome young man was dispatched from your bank on a mission to woo me. On arrival he whipped out a 12” elephant ruler which I was mightily impressed by. Totally awe-struck, I gleefully grabbed it with both hands. The handsome man went on to tell me an amazing story about compound interest and how the bank would help me save towards an ace remote control car at Uncle Pete’s Toys. The relationship was sealed the following week when I brought in a shiny 50 cent coin and opened my account.

In the early years things went relatively well. The bank lived up to its promise and gave me some interest as well as the occasional money box or bit of stationery. I was however a tad disappointed when the cool pink elephant was replaced by a dollarmite. After all, what the hell is a dollarmite?

As I grew older I think complacency must have set in because the bank suddenly began paying me very little interest. I felt like I was taken for granted. In any long term relationship there needs to be a bit of give and take but as the years rolled on it seemed like the bank was doing all the taking.

Recently the relationship has become downright abusive. Currently I have a savings account (XXXXXXXX) and a cheque account (XXXXXXXXX). Each month I am forced to pay a $5 fee for the savings account and a $10 fee for the cheque account. In return I get about 3 cents in interest in every year. According to my calculations that means I end up with -$159.97.

How am I supposed to go in to Uncle Pete’s Toys with -$159.97 and buy an ace remote control car? I entered this relationship on the promise the bank would help me afford my dream vehicle but it is clear that the handsome young man lied. He never really wanted to help me fulfil my dreams. He just wanted to string me along and rip me off.

While it saddens me immensely I think I have to leave. A new suitor has arrived and he is offering so much more. His name is Bankwest. He says he will never charge me fees and will pay me interest of 2.5% on my regular transaction account. Based on an average balance of around $5000 I calculate that would leave me roughly $284.97 better off a year. Finally I may be able to get that totally cool remote control car and impress all my mates!

Before I make the divorce official I am willing to hear from you. If you wish to win me back you will however have to make me a pretty special offer. I really hope things can work out between us.


Jamie Watson

P.S. Is the Commonwealth Bank trying to be clever by running ads that perpetuate the stereotype that all Americans are stupid? Such racism is not very becoming.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. isnt the commonwealth bank bankwest?

  3. don't trust either of them They are now the same bankwest was taken over by the commonwealth. Banks are corporate and are out of control. It is right to hate and distrust the banks. If the bank makes the wrong decision it is their loss

  4. No, its correct. Yanks are dickheads.

  5. I had a similar problem with anz when I started banking I could get a certain amount of tree transactions per month on my "savings account" which was my everyday account with a normal bank card, I would transfer any money to my debit card for online or billing transactions. however the account I had no longer existed and they changed it to a new type of saving account I just didn't read my bills so I didn't see it happen, transaction cost me a fortune in fees. 1 month I accumulate $27 in transaction fees from eftpos, atm withdrawals and bank to bank transfers between anz accounts. however I know have to change the style in which I bank to using my debit card as my everyday card and my savings account as the money tank. which is problematic for me since money burns a hole in my pocket. the sneakiness of banks is irritating. I have a 2 part solution though. 1.part one read all the info and ask questions about charges etc.. step2. always keep an eye on your bank and others that have better fees and don't be afraid to talk down to bank workers like pieces of shit, since they are just that, pretty faces that peddle lies don't get caught in a bullcrap façade they try to market you money and banking is a cut throat world and you got to be a hardliner to survive.

  6. Fucking whingers.

  7. nothing to say but no one can argue that they are nothing but fucking idiots and very good at playing the part