Tuesday, June 23, 2009

The Happiness Lottery

People who win lotteries are generally stupid bogans. They stand there with their novelty oversized cheque looking confused and when asked what they intend to do with the millions they generally have plans no greater than paying off their mortgage and buying a campervan. Then they go on to say how they intend to keep their job at the cannery and how they won’t let the lottery change things too much. So why the hell did they bother entering the lottery in the first place?

There are great things you could do with millions of dollars but the tragedy is most lottery winners are too idiotic to do anything that interesting. Normally they just buy some tacky house, develop a substance abuse problem, get ripped off by some con artist and spend the rest on lawyers when getting a divorce. Then they have the temerity to bitch about how the money didn’t bring them happiness.

My theory is that we should have an alternate lottery which rather than dolling out cash prizes delivers winners happiness. Maybe as a prize the winner could press the button when they blow up some massive building – who hasn’t wanted to do that? Perhaps they could give the cannery worker some noise cancelling head phones and an iPod so that they could listen to all their favourite country and western songs during their working day. Or why not just pimp the winner’s Gemini?

These people aren’t equipped to deal with millions of dollars. So why waste all that cash when we could just give them a couple of banjos, a flash new trailer or a special guest appearance on Neighbours? No doubt they would end up far happier.

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