Believing in Santa becomes a bit ridiculous after you turn about eight. The idea of some overweight old dude flying around the world thanks to magic reindeers, shimmying down a few million chimneys and making it back to the North Pole without having a heart attack or getting his red suit filthy with soot just doesn't add up.
At the same time I was learning about Santa I also learned about Jesus. This guy could convert water to wine and wine to blood. He could walk on water, feed large crowds of people, heal the sick and rise from the dead. Like Santa he also had the ability to know if I'd been bad or good but he was somehow even more magic.
When I came to realise Santa was bullshit I got to thinking the miracles of Jesus might be some elaborate made up stories too. For some reason however there were lots of grown ups who seemed to believe in Jesus. It was like they were crushed by the utter disappointment of Santa not being real and couldn't face another magic man being exposed.
I think I'd be more inclined to believe in Jesus if there wasn't the possibility he was just a magician who was ahead of his time. I also might be more inclined to believe in Jesus if I hadn't been lied to about Santa.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Thursday, November 24, 2011
What to be scared of
People are incredibly scared of things which will probably never effect them. Paedophiles, terrorists and sharks all frighten the bejesus out of people but do harm to a minute number of people.
What we should be scared of are all the things which are normal. Normal may be spending the vast majority of your waking hours working. Normal may be finishing your day with three hours of shit tv because you can't be bothered to think after working for ten hours straight. Normal may be downing ten beers every Friday night because at least it means you are not spending the night watching crappy TV. Normal may be driving your kids to school in a big 4 wheel drive because you are worried about paedophiles. Normal may be knocking on people's doors to try to try to make them believe in the same god as you. Normal may be wearing tights to the shopping centre even though you are grossly overweight and everyone can see your bits wobbling underneath that overstretched bit of spandex.
The scary thing about things which are normal is that they just gradually become part of your life. Because other people think they are normal you come to accept them no matter how crap or ridiculous they are. Society makes you scared of not being normal.
We need to be brave and judge things on good or bad, rather than normal or not normal. Normal can be pretty fucked up.
Why didn't Doogie Howser tell me that in his little computer journal?
What we should be scared of are all the things which are normal. Normal may be spending the vast majority of your waking hours working. Normal may be finishing your day with three hours of shit tv because you can't be bothered to think after working for ten hours straight. Normal may be downing ten beers every Friday night because at least it means you are not spending the night watching crappy TV. Normal may be driving your kids to school in a big 4 wheel drive because you are worried about paedophiles. Normal may be knocking on people's doors to try to try to make them believe in the same god as you. Normal may be wearing tights to the shopping centre even though you are grossly overweight and everyone can see your bits wobbling underneath that overstretched bit of spandex.
The scary thing about things which are normal is that they just gradually become part of your life. Because other people think they are normal you come to accept them no matter how crap or ridiculous they are. Society makes you scared of not being normal.
We need to be brave and judge things on good or bad, rather than normal or not normal. Normal can be pretty fucked up.
Why didn't Doogie Howser tell me that in his little computer journal?
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
The library
The rise of e-books means libraries are going the same way as video stores. So what are all those shelves going to be filled with once people start downloading stuff? I really think they need to diversify.
Wouldn't it be cool if you could borrow a kayak? How awesome would it be if you could drop in to the library prior to your party and pick up a punch bowl? I have no idea what you use an angle grinder for but I'd love to know that if I needed one I could avoid a trip to Bunnings and get it free from the library.
It wouldn't be hard to get it started. People have loads of stuff that they rarely use that is just taking up space. Surely you could part with that fondue set if you knew you could pick it up at any time should you have a desire to eat things on skewers coated in four types of melted cheese.
Fancy dress parties would be way easier if you could just go to the library and get a Spiderman outfit. You could wear a different outfit every week. It would be ace.
Wouldn't it be cool if you could borrow a kayak? How awesome would it be if you could drop in to the library prior to your party and pick up a punch bowl? I have no idea what you use an angle grinder for but I'd love to know that if I needed one I could avoid a trip to Bunnings and get it free from the library.
It wouldn't be hard to get it started. People have loads of stuff that they rarely use that is just taking up space. Surely you could part with that fondue set if you knew you could pick it up at any time should you have a desire to eat things on skewers coated in four types of melted cheese.
Fancy dress parties would be way easier if you could just go to the library and get a Spiderman outfit. You could wear a different outfit every week. It would be ace.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Piano Man
When I was in high school I had to sing in the rugby choir. I don't know why we had a rugby choir but I think it might have been some sort of punishment for people in the rugby team beating up people in the choir. I think we had two songs in our repertoire - Waltzing Matilda and Billy Joel's Piano Man.
There is a lyric in that song which has me a little flummoxed.
Paul is a real estate novelist who never had time for a wife.
What the hell is a real estate novelist? I spend my whole life writing about real estate but the most you will get out of me is a few hundred words on a luxury waterfront or a news article on the state of the market. How do you do a whole novel and what on earth happens in a real estate novel? Once you've built a house it pretty much just stands there for the next couple hundred years. It just doesn't sound like a very interesting plot for a book.
Why doesn't Paul have time for a wife? Is that a euphemism for Paul being gay? I mean he is talking to Davy who's still in the navy and probably will be for life. Perhaps Paul is just really dedicated to his real estate novel writing and doesn't want to a waste a spare minute with some wife looking for keys in her handbag, fussing about home improvements or babbling on about something unrelated to his key interest of real estate.
Maybe I need to send Billy Joel a letter.
There is a lyric in that song which has me a little flummoxed.
Paul is a real estate novelist who never had time for a wife.
What the hell is a real estate novelist? I spend my whole life writing about real estate but the most you will get out of me is a few hundred words on a luxury waterfront or a news article on the state of the market. How do you do a whole novel and what on earth happens in a real estate novel? Once you've built a house it pretty much just stands there for the next couple hundred years. It just doesn't sound like a very interesting plot for a book.
Why doesn't Paul have time for a wife? Is that a euphemism for Paul being gay? I mean he is talking to Davy who's still in the navy and probably will be for life. Perhaps Paul is just really dedicated to his real estate novel writing and doesn't want to a waste a spare minute with some wife looking for keys in her handbag, fussing about home improvements or babbling on about something unrelated to his key interest of real estate.
Maybe I need to send Billy Joel a letter.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
It's not an investment bank
It was 34 degrees the other day and driving past the Crystal car wash I spotted the most ridiculous thing I'd ever seen. All the dudes scrubbing the cars were wearing long sleeve shirts and ties. I don't know what genius decided business attire was required for sudsing up a car but to me that just seems cruel. It makes me not want to go there for a number of reasons.
1. I try not to support businesses where the bosses are cruel arseholes.
2. If they have no idea about dressing appropriately do they have any idea about how to wash a car?
3. If you have a tie on it is going to flop down and get all wet when you wash the top of the car. I doubt whether they will clean my roof thoroughly.
4. They probably don't want to get dirt on their long sleeve shirts. They are not going to attack the really filthy awkward bits.
5. It sends a pretty scary price signal. They are probably way more expensive than the t-shirt place.
6. It makes it really awkward when the cleaner is better dressed than I am.
1. I try not to support businesses where the bosses are cruel arseholes.
2. If they have no idea about dressing appropriately do they have any idea about how to wash a car?
3. If you have a tie on it is going to flop down and get all wet when you wash the top of the car. I doubt whether they will clean my roof thoroughly.
4. They probably don't want to get dirt on their long sleeve shirts. They are not going to attack the really filthy awkward bits.
5. It sends a pretty scary price signal. They are probably way more expensive than the t-shirt place.
6. It makes it really awkward when the cleaner is better dressed than I am.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Throw away society
I just bought an all-in-one scanner/copier/printer. I already had one but it was out of ink. The weird thing was that it was actually cheaper to buy a new printer than to buy new ink - so now I have an awesome new $49.99 wireless printer on my desk and a perfectly functioning old printer sitting on the footpath waiting for someone to pick it up. It's stupid. I had to save forever to buy a walkman and it was with me until music didn't come on tapes anymore. There was love. Now technology is so cheap you just use it and throw it away. It makes feel dirty.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Overtime
Despite our reputation as being laid back, Australian workers slave away for some of the longest hours in the world. Most of these hours don't go adequately rewarded.
I believe that as well as paying their employees overtime, employers should also be made to pay the partners of their employees who are being robbed of quality time. Even if the person is single their tennis partner, drinking buddy or scrabble opponent should be compensated.
Understandably, doing overtime can also lead to a shitty mood. As such an additional shitty mood loading should be paid to the partner. I don't know what the price of happiness is but I'd like to be part of the committee who work it out.
Of course after doing so much overtime the employee will feel less inclined to do housework once they arrive home. It would seem sensible that the employer hire a cleaner to make sure the home is spotless on their return.
The stress of overtime also effects the health of the employee. As such the employer should pay for a gym membership, fruit baskets and a foot massage or something.
I believe that as well as paying their employees overtime, employers should also be made to pay the partners of their employees who are being robbed of quality time. Even if the person is single their tennis partner, drinking buddy or scrabble opponent should be compensated.
Understandably, doing overtime can also lead to a shitty mood. As such an additional shitty mood loading should be paid to the partner. I don't know what the price of happiness is but I'd like to be part of the committee who work it out.
Of course after doing so much overtime the employee will feel less inclined to do housework once they arrive home. It would seem sensible that the employer hire a cleaner to make sure the home is spotless on their return.
The stress of overtime also effects the health of the employee. As such the employer should pay for a gym membership, fruit baskets and a foot massage or something.
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