Ear candles

Yesterday I had this weird buzzing in my head that made me think that I was actually a robot and some electrical component next to my left ear was continuously tripping. I was like a pissed off version of Dexter.

The more likely possibility was that my eardrum was finally rebelling against me probing cotton buds in there every day - I know it says you are not supposed to do it but how can anyone resist that lovely feeling of wiggling a short pole around inside a precious cavity? Anyway, it was really frickin annoying.

I considered getting some eardrops to fix the problem but no one likes the feeling of having liquid in their ear hole. Instead I thought I’d give an ear candle a try. Being a closet pyro the thought of having something burning stick in my head seemed like an awesome idea so I drove up to Bob’s Late Night Chemist and bought the most expensive set of ear candles ever (I haven’t bought ear candles before but $17 for two candles just seemed a bit over the odds).

Apart from having to watch TV from a weird angle the experience was pretty good. The candle makes a few hissing and crackling noises, brings a little warmth to your ear and smells a bit like a joss stick. I cut the candle open afterwards and there seemed to be lots of wax inside – I’m guessing it was from my ear but it could have from the candle.

Despite the cleansing effects my ear was still buzzing so I went to the doctor today and he gave me some eardrops. Effective but not nearly as fun.

Reaching out to a wider audience

Blogs are great but few people actually ever read them. Lots of people however buy crap online.

In an effort to get rid of our hideous shell water feature I recently put an ad on ebay for it. Now heaps have people have read my ridiculous description and I'm even getting randoms saying I should get a prize or something. Frankly, I'm just happy someone is going to stump up money for our stupid concrete clamshell.

I'm considering selling more stuff on ebay as a platform for my ranting. Then I could put a book together of all the different descriptions. The book probably wouldn't sell that well and I could put all the extra copies on ebay, thus completing a useless circle.

Been Caught Stealing

Personally I quite like the approach to theft prevention employed by our local grocer. Posting a big security camera picture of the offender and letting the world know that they've been caught stealing tampons is pure genius. Somehow I don't think shoplifting chick will be back next month...

The picture did give me an idea though. I think it would be cool to dress up in a burglar's outfit complete with an eye mask and beanie, then steal a torch. Then I'd dress up like a dog and steal a can of dog food. Then I'd go in as a monkey and steal a bunch of bananas. The pictures on the front of the store would be awesome!

Fixies are for fashion victims

Fixies are bikes designed for riding around a velodrome. They don’t have gears and they don’t have brakes because on a velodrome you don’t really need those things. Yes, they look all cool and minimalist but I just can’t explain why anyone would ride one around the streets - other than the fact that they are massive fashion victims.

Most fixies are created from people destroying perfectly functional road bikes. Just strip off the gears and the brakes and maybe get rid of the grip tape on the handlebars so you can burn the fuck out of your hands every time your beautiful piece of shit is left out in the sun. Smart.

I can understand the wankers in Melbourne doing it but Sydney has hills and how cool can you really look pushing your bike up some pathetic incline? Sydney also has mental drivers and whilst trying to avoid them I like to have all the braking power I can get hold of. After all how stylish can you look when you are on the asphalt bleeding?

Tiger, you're not an addict.

Tiger is a billionaire athlete who spends a lot of nights away from his wife while on tour. He decided to spend a few of those nights screwing other women. It may not be nice that he cheats on his wife but I don't believe that means he has a psychological problem and needs to be locked away in a clinic for months. Everything these days gets blamed on psychological problems which are bullshit. Kids don't have ADHD - they are just annoying little shits that need a good firm talking too. People aren't fat because of a compulsive eating disorder - they're just greedy. Tiger's not a sex addict. He just likes to fuck.

Lowest Prices are Just the Beginning

I’ve thought about starting a business next door to Bunnings Warehouse. It would be called Bunnings Whorehouse and it would be staffed by the same unspectacular looking people as on the Bunnings ads. All the workers in my whorehouse would however be very Aussie and quite excited about tools. I’d do special prices for tradies and there would be heaps of parking for utes. There would have a sausage sizzle out the front. You’d leave feeling a little bit dirty and ripped off.

RUN

Yesterday I saw a young man running down King Street in a manner that suggested fairly strongly that he had stolen something. You see, the style of his run wasn’t that of a typical jogger - it was more like Ussain Bolt had suffered a bout of diarrhoea and was frantically looking for a toilet. The other giveaway was that he was holding something rather large under his shirt as he pissbolted past the other pedestrians.

Sadly I was driving at the time and could do little more than cast disapproving glances at him as we travelled down the street in the same direction. I really think it would have been fun to tackle the bastard and leave him lying flat on the footpath. After all, it’s been ages since I played my last game of rugby and I’m sure I’ve got a lot of bottled up aggression I could take out on someone like that. The fairly narrow footpaths would mean it would be hard for him to get in a sidestep and because he was holding something under his shirt he couldn’t fend on his left side. I’ve also bulked up a bit since the playing days so I reckon I could put a pretty good hit on.

I quite like the idea of vigilante justice. If more people were prepared to smash the crap out of thieves perhaps there would be less thieving. The general public would also feel happier because they have had the chance to take their anger out on some low down druggo thief. Our society has just become far too soft when no one on a 300 metre stretch of King Street is prepared to do as much as stick out a foot to trip up a fast moving thief. Where are the heroes?