Too much time?

I hate it when people say "you've got way too much time on your hands". This phrase always pops out whenever someone dares to do something creative. I read it today in a SMH report about some guy who had cut up Lance Armstrong's interview and put it to Radiohead's Creep. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ee1kM79f6aY

This video will entertain millions of people. How is creating it a bad use of time?

Doing things which are fun and frivolous is a brilliant use of time. It should be recommended. It's why we invented all those time saving devices - not so we could spend extra hours at work doing something we find dreadfully tedious.

I've got time for all sorts of weird and wonderful crap. Things I don't have time for include:

• washing my car more than about 3 times a year
• going out for breakfast (a more in-depth rant about this can be found here).
• ironing - unless it's a wedding or something
• going anywhere in peak hour traffic
• watching soccer, AFL or horse racing
• going to Bunnings

The fact is when people say "you've got way too much time on your hands" they are normally really saying "I work fifty hours a week and waste another ten hours stuck in traffic to pay for this overpriced dwelling to house the children that take up the few remaining hours available to me when I am not at Bunnings try to find some thing to fix some stupid thing that I have no idea how to fucking fix - oh and I just wasted another two hours and $80 at breakfast. I wish I had time to do something other than just collapse in front of the TV, completely rooted from all this! I am ridiculously jealous."   

Political advertising

The announcement of the election really got me thinking about how I could create a political ad which doesn't suck.

As much as I hate Julia, I hate Tony even more, in particular his stupid policies to repeal the carbon tax and mining tax. Basically it is just giving taking revenue from the government coffers and giving it back to billionaire mining interests (most of them foreign).

I imagine Thunderbirds/Team America style puppets being used for the advertisements. For each ad Tony Abbott would rock up to the billionaires' club (probably dressed in his speedos) to deliver the dosh. He would then ask them how they are going to use that money.

Example script:

Tony: So Gina how are you going to use these billions I've liberated from the Australian public?
Gina: I'm going to buy lots of pies.
Tony: But pies are cheap. Maybe you should give some to your family?
Gina: You're funny Tony.
Tony: You could always just expand your media interests until you are like Berlusconi?
Gina: I'm also going to buy some sauce.
At this point Gina would just lift her leg and let rip with a massive fart.
Voiceover: Want your tax payer dollars going to a billionaire? Vote for the Coalition.

I think it gets a point enough and it is low brow enough that it would connect with the bogans everyone is so desperate to win over.

I would also like to see a version with a Chinese billionaire who just insults Tony in Mandarin.

While Tony is fawning over him (possibly feeding him grapes) he would say things such as:
I love that you are so stupid Tony - you give all your country's money to me. How funny that you walk like you just got off a horse. I love your speedos - is that a budgie you are trying to smuggle or a hummingbird?

The possibilities are endless.

Commonwealth Bank having fun on my holiday

Banks must love it when you go overseas. It's a golden invitation to rip you off and add to their multi-billion dollar profits.

I was pretty happy when I got to Indonesia and saw CBA autobanks advertising no ATM withdrawal fees for CBA customers. Unfortunately when I got home and checked my statement it was $2 for each withdrawal. I complained to the bank but they basically told me "tough titties" - hence the angry blog post.

When I didn't use the CBA ATM the fee went up to well over $9 for taking the equivalent of $150 out. To add to the indignity the exchange rate charged was 5% worse than what I could get on the street. So basically the bank is creaming off more than 10% of what you spend overseas. Bastards!

That $2 Bintang really cost me $2.20. That $3 nasi goreng really cost me $3.30. That trip to the hospital following the extreme food poisoning cost me how much? No travel insurance got that one. It's okay.

Beans

I really don't know who I am more disappointed by, Lance or Oprah. What a pathetic interview. Where was the nitty gritty? Where was the naming of names? Where was the spilling of beans? Where was the big public apology? Where were the tears? If there is one thing I thought Oprah could extract I thought it would be some tears but all there was was a woman with a massive fat head looking mildly disappointed at a wanker with a skinny head.

Why go so soft on someone who managed to pull off one of the biggest con jobs in history? Bring him down properly. Oprah, you need some performance enhancement yourself. Maybe you should go do a journalism course or get one of your lackeys to write some decent questions. Maybe you should learn how to ask a follow up question. In fact, maybe you should have just got someone else to do the interview so you can get back to eating cake and picking out sparkly shoes.

Unconventional weapons

I blame pop culture for America's gun problem. Countless movies, TV shows and music videos have made guns look cool - just the way they made cigarettes look cool. Who could watch Dirty Harry and not want a 44 magnum?

Despite guns being heavy and uncomfortable to carry they are regarded by many Americans as a fashion accessory they wouldn't leave home without. As Americans don't seem willing to change their gun laws, I believe we should encourage them towards more unconventional weapons.

Surely the ultimate gangsta accessory would have to be a bowler hat similar to that worn by the James Bond villain in Goldfinger. It would look classy, be far more comfortable than packing heat and also be a really cool weapon. Knocking people over with your bowler hat is completely bad-ass!

I think I might start marketing them online. I will have purple hat weapons with feathers in them for pimps and a Stetson version for people who live in Texas. I might also do ones for the police - although that could be dangerous when they graduate from police academy and all throw their hats in the air. 

Is your fridge running?

I guess you'd better go catch it then... Hilarious but what happened to the good old prank call?

Firstly it was severely damaged by telemarketers. After being bombarded by Indians trying to flog them all manner of crap most sensible people decided to stop interrupting the enjoyment of their lamb roast to pick up the phone. Outside of dinner hours you could generally get through but if you wanted to pretend you were from the electricity company you did have to put on an Indian accent and call people Mr David.

The next thing that ruined it was caller ID. No longer could you scare people by calling your mates and pretending you were a detective from the local cop shop. "Fuck off Jamie, I know it's you".  Wow, it is was disappointing when  it wasn't just my paper-thin impersonation than gave it away.

Mobile phones were pretty much the death of the prank call. Now no one I know under the age of 50 even has a land line. After all who is going to pay Telstra $35 a month to receive telemarketing and prank calls?

I know a nurse suicided after a prank call and now all sorts of wowsers want prank calls banned but I think we should bring back the prank call. Call up one of your elderly relatives today. Suck them in, share a laugh and then let them crap on about their various medical ailments for ten minutes. It is a great way of spreading some love.

Mock meat

It's good to embrace new experiences. If we didn't our lives would be incredibly dull and predictable and we wouldn't learn anything. With this spirit in mind I yesterday went to Vina the vegan Vietnamese. With all that alliteration it had at least something going for it.

I ordered a bowl of noodles and it came with mock meat which did cause some apprehension on my part. What was it like? Confusing I must say. Perhaps like a lesbian being fucked for the first time with a strap-on dildo. A sausage but not a sausage. A chicken but not a chicken. Something strange and false entering my body, causing enjoyment but raising many questions.

What I don't really get is if people aren't in to meat, why do they make food which looks and tastes like meat? Why not just celebrate the glory that is a turnip? I'd go somewhere known for doing amazing things with cauliflower or carrots, but why try to fool me with your Frankenstein bean curd creations? It's just weird.