I went to some art gallery opening thing tonight, which as with most art gallery opening things was a wee bit shit. I did however get to surreptitiously place some army men and enjoy the odd accidental arse touch. I also got the opportunity to have as much chardonnay as I wanted. This got me thinking – why don’t bums attend gallery openings?
Obviously the key concern when you are a bum is obtaining alcohol. That’s why when I have my mental breakdown I plan on going to a gallery opening every night to suck the place dry. Sure, I’ll be poorly dressed, a bit on the stinky side and quite deranged but that’s fairly acceptable for an artistic type.
Gallery people are generally soft lefties who wouldn’t kick me out anyway. If they do I plan on causing a ridiculous seen by waving my penis around and threatening to wee on the artworks. You can do that when you are a bum.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Coneasauras
Bullshitting about real estate just isn’t paying that well now that the recession has hit so I’ve developed a grand plan to do something all together different. It started off as a simple plan to go around Australia in a Mr Whippy van with Katy selling ice cream as we went. Then I started thinking about how I can pimp my ride…
Presentation is obviously critical in the mobile ice cream business and I plan on having a van that looks frickin awesome. The theme is Coneasauras - a new dinosaur that’s not a herbivore or a carnivore but an incecreamvore. I believe this will appeal to the two target markets of kids and stoners.
Ideally, I’d like to get the van made into the shape of Coneasauras but this may be expensive and cause my van to be deemed unroadworthy. I am willing to scale down to a more 2d representation however I would like the following incorporated:
- a moving arm and jaw so it looks like Coneasauras is eating an ice cream.
- Something which shoots a plume of dry ice frost out Coneassauras’ nostrils.
- Flashing, spinning or glow in the dark eyes for Coneasauras
- A speaker system that breaks up Green Sleaves with a few dinosaur roars.
Presentation is obviously critical in the mobile ice cream business and I plan on having a van that looks frickin awesome. The theme is Coneasauras - a new dinosaur that’s not a herbivore or a carnivore but an incecreamvore. I believe this will appeal to the two target markets of kids and stoners.
Ideally, I’d like to get the van made into the shape of Coneasauras but this may be expensive and cause my van to be deemed unroadworthy. I am willing to scale down to a more 2d representation however I would like the following incorporated:
- a moving arm and jaw so it looks like Coneasauras is eating an ice cream.
- Something which shoots a plume of dry ice frost out Coneassauras’ nostrils.
- Flashing, spinning or glow in the dark eyes for Coneasauras
- A speaker system that breaks up Green Sleaves with a few dinosaur roars.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Kinder Surprise Line Extensions
Kinder Surprise is a great idea but sadly for the manufacturers kids stop buying them when they hit their teenage years. To reach this market I think they should launch Emo Surprise. There are so many things you could have inside - eyeliner, sad poetry, razor blades etc. You could probably have a golden ticket thing too where if you find it you get to go to a Cure concert or one of those more recent Emo bands.
They could have Middle Age Surprise as well. Normally they wouldn’t have any surprises in them, then one day you’d buy one and it would have a note telling you that your partner of 15 years is gay and has been having it off with the hairdresser.
They could have Middle Age Surprise as well. Normally they wouldn’t have any surprises in them, then one day you’d buy one and it would have a note telling you that your partner of 15 years is gay and has been having it off with the hairdresser.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Twitterature
Books are dead. No one has the time to read them because they normally go for about 500 pages, not 140 characters. They needn't be that long. Authors just blag on describing some scene in minute detail, denying the reader any opportunity to use their own imagination.
I've considered writing a book but I don't have the attention span to concentrate on just one idea. I've got better things to do than churn out pages for some novel that has a 1% chance of getting published.
I don't want to waste my time and I don't want to waste yours. That's why I'm developing twitterature. If you haven't worked it out that's literature for the Twitter generation. (I'm really hoping no one else has used this before and I get cited as the originator of some buzzword.)
My theory is that one sentence can say just as much as 3000 jammed up against each other. It's far more interactive too, as readers can use the scant available information to build the rest of the story in their minds.
Here are a few examples:
With a crimson cummerbund, a half-empty hip flask and a face full of freshly popped pimples, I made my entrance.
The joy of heaving the TV out the window was soon replaced with the shocking realisation that I had parked my car below.
His last act was to goad his son about how weakly he swung the axe.
I was like a paraplegic, stuck at the top of the stairs, not even having the bladder control to piss on the flames.
The teacher told me I could be whatever I wanted to be. I decided to be bad.
He would have turned Cupid from a heart wielding archer into a subway suicide bomber.
It was clear from her dietary choices that she hated herself.
While I considered confessing, a rational explanation would have destroyed the magic of the misdeed.
I tried to read her mind but it was all in Polish.
I've considered writing a book but I don't have the attention span to concentrate on just one idea. I've got better things to do than churn out pages for some novel that has a 1% chance of getting published.
I don't want to waste my time and I don't want to waste yours. That's why I'm developing twitterature. If you haven't worked it out that's literature for the Twitter generation. (I'm really hoping no one else has used this before and I get cited as the originator of some buzzword.)
My theory is that one sentence can say just as much as 3000 jammed up against each other. It's far more interactive too, as readers can use the scant available information to build the rest of the story in their minds.
Here are a few examples:
With a crimson cummerbund, a half-empty hip flask and a face full of freshly popped pimples, I made my entrance.
The joy of heaving the TV out the window was soon replaced with the shocking realisation that I had parked my car below.
His last act was to goad his son about how weakly he swung the axe.
I was like a paraplegic, stuck at the top of the stairs, not even having the bladder control to piss on the flames.
The teacher told me I could be whatever I wanted to be. I decided to be bad.
He would have turned Cupid from a heart wielding archer into a subway suicide bomber.
It was clear from her dietary choices that she hated herself.
While I considered confessing, a rational explanation would have destroyed the magic of the misdeed.
I tried to read her mind but it was all in Polish.
Monday, March 23, 2009
If I were a wrestler
I was thinking that if I were to become a wrestler I'd call myself the Credible Hulk. I wouldn't turn green and I wouldn't have some bullshit back story about radiation. I wouldn't even be that big and when I flexed my clothes wouldn't rip. I'd get a bit angry but I wouldn't go over the top. The crowd probably wouldn't support me that enthusiastically.
Hooray for Stop and Go Chicks
It used to be that people with stop and go signs at roadwork sites had beer guts, beards and a penis but lately things have changed. Now they tend to be slim, fresh of face and in possession of a vagina. It’s a change I welcome.
When you are sitting in the car waiting for a bunch of council workers to actually do something it can be frustrating. If you have a stop and go girl to check out during this down time it becomes a tad more interesting. Intriguingly, most of the stop and go girls are Albury-Wodonga types i.e. they are borderline. Thus you get to spend those wasted minutes considering whether they are more Albury or Wodonga.
I think for some of the uglier ones they should allow them to forgo the standard issue reflective work wear and encourage them to put on a nice frock and some make-up. With a little bit of cleavage revealed many could achieve a more northerly status.
Ultimately I think they should aim to mirror the look of the girls at the boxing who walk around with the sign saying what round it is. They are pretty much the peak of the profession. We’d all be happy about roadwork then.
When you are sitting in the car waiting for a bunch of council workers to actually do something it can be frustrating. If you have a stop and go girl to check out during this down time it becomes a tad more interesting. Intriguingly, most of the stop and go girls are Albury-Wodonga types i.e. they are borderline. Thus you get to spend those wasted minutes considering whether they are more Albury or Wodonga.
I think for some of the uglier ones they should allow them to forgo the standard issue reflective work wear and encourage them to put on a nice frock and some make-up. With a little bit of cleavage revealed many could achieve a more northerly status.
Ultimately I think they should aim to mirror the look of the girls at the boxing who walk around with the sign saying what round it is. They are pretty much the peak of the profession. We’d all be happy about roadwork then.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Priests who love too much
I'm just watching something on World Movies about a young girl who is seduced by a priest. It got me wondering on a few fronts.
If you are a priest can you absolve yourself? It would be handy - just like a doctor who self prescribes.
Do priests call God boss? "Sorry boss, I stuffed up again. Are you going to yell at me this time or are you going to continue on with this silent treatment." It would be pretty awesome having a boss that never yelled at you but having to rely on some 2000 year old instruction manual could get frustrating. The robes look pretty comfy though.
There were no signs that the proest used a condom. Would the Pope at least be proud of him for that? (update - the girl is pregnant and she's getting a backyard abortion. Pope is double sad)
The girl had a bra that opened at the front. I've never come across one in real life though. Why aren't they way more popular? I'm not particularly dexterous at the best of times and being able to see what I'm doing would make life far easier for me.
If you are a priest can you absolve yourself? It would be handy - just like a doctor who self prescribes.
Do priests call God boss? "Sorry boss, I stuffed up again. Are you going to yell at me this time or are you going to continue on with this silent treatment." It would be pretty awesome having a boss that never yelled at you but having to rely on some 2000 year old instruction manual could get frustrating. The robes look pretty comfy though.
There were no signs that the proest used a condom. Would the Pope at least be proud of him for that? (update - the girl is pregnant and she's getting a backyard abortion. Pope is double sad)
The girl had a bra that opened at the front. I've never come across one in real life though. Why aren't they way more popular? I'm not particularly dexterous at the best of times and being able to see what I'm doing would make life far easier for me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)