My concerns re oompa loompas

I know it's just a book/movie but I still feel concern for the oompa loompas. There are a number of things which trouble me.

1. The oompa loompas seem to be locked up in this highly secretive compound obviously designed so Willy Wonker can flout labour laws without fear of detection. I seriously doubt they are getting paid any more than an Indonesian making Nike sneakers.

2. Where are the lady oompa loompas? Does Willy has some secret brothel going for deviants who like short orange chicks with prominent eyebrows? Perhaps they all work in management positions within the chocolate factory but I don't think this is likely.

3. Their diet can't be great. When all they have access to is food from the wrong end of the pyramid it's no wonder they are stunted. Their teeth also look suspiciously white - I'm guessing they are denches.

4. That song of theirs is rather hypnotic. I think Willy has engaged in some crazy mind control practices designed to make the oompa loompas work ridiculously long hours without questioning their boss.

5. Are there some weird chemicals affecting the oompa loompas? I had a friend whose hair went green when she swam in a pool with too much chlorine. The orange could be their natural skin colour but I think they have just resorted to applying cheap fake tan to hide the fact they never get any sun.

Unlimited Cricket

I believe cricket closely resembles relationships.

One day cricket is obviously like a one night stand and can be highly exciting unless one side fails to perform in which case it disappoints and you leave early.

20 over criket is more like having a root in a back lane - a cheap meaningless thrill which is exciting at the time but quickly forgotten.

Test match cricket resemles a holiday romance. You are there for five days, hanging out in the sunshine and you have a bit of a chance to find out about the other side, have a couple of innings and come away with another trophy.

What I believe we need is a form of cricket that resembles a marriage. Unlimited cricket would no doubt bore some but the purists would love it. Just imagine Ricky Ponting and his team playing against England in a match that never ends! Till death do us part - that would bring a whole new meaning to the Ashes. The in sickness and in health bit would also be interesting. There is no way you could pick Shane Watson in the team as he is bound to spend 30 of the next 50 years injured. The whole thing would no doubt become highly abusive and we could watch it all. Now I know you are thinking it would suck because it would preclude our stars from playing all sorts of other cricket but let's face it, they won't be faithful. There will be lots of one night stands and back alley roots. This has to be the future of cricket.

If I were God

I think it would be a cool idea to bring back to life all the brown dead Christmas trees that have been thrown out by the footpath. That would have to get people believing.

Perhaps I should just go out and get a lot of fresh ones, swap them over with the dead ones and see if the homeowner becomes super religous.

Have grapes got weaker?

My right hand has been a bit dodgy ever since I spastically fell off my bike and broke both my arms. Since then I have been completely shit at opening bags of chips. I just use excessive force and they generally fly everywhere and then I have to eat them off the floor which I haven't swept since the last time I did that and then there is a mix of fresh chip crumbs and stale chip crumbs and I think I can tell the difference but I can't really until I taste it and it's not a chip at all but a dead insect which tastes mostly crunchy but a little bit squishy still.

I'm also shit at tearing off a bunch of grapes without making them all fall off and go rolling around amongst the chips and insects. I tend to resort to scissors. Lately however I have been far more successful. I don't think I've improved though. I believe grapes have just got weaker.

My other failing is that I like spring rolls but am far too impatient for them to cook. I end up eating a lot of spring rolls which are cold in the middle...

3 months in the slammer for writing a tag?

I really hope that chick spends her time in gaol well - my suggestion would be for her to go nuts and leave tags all over the place. In fact, I want to go visit her and smuggle in some spray paint and felt tip pens.

Thousands of years ago aboriginal people were going crazy, just leaving their marks on walls everywhere. These are now regarded as priceless and great lengths are taken to protect them. Instead of scrubbing away the work of young Cheyenne Back we really should get a park ranger to stand next to it and explain its cultural significance.

I did a great deal of work in my formative years etching profound statements into a school desk with the pointy part of my set of compass. "Pamela smells" was an important work deserving of preservation - not the punishment of detention. Others drew penises on the chairs, which I believe was less an act of vandalism and more a powerful statement regarding the ever present force of libido in the development of a young male.

Rather than stifling creativity we need to encourage it. Cheyenne, you should be given art lessons, not gaol.

Pretty Birds

I had a rainbow lorikeet tap on my window in search of food. I went and got it some breadcrumbs because it looked cool and it wasn’t a pigeon. When re-examining my actions I felt conflicted. Why do we love some birds and hate others?

If you asked most people they would gladly replace all the pigeons and seagulls with penguins. After all penguins look cool and they make movies about them with Morgan Freeman doing voiceovers where he sounds all wise and grandfartherly. But if you think about it more deeply it would be completely crap.

Just imagine driving along early in the morning and there are penguins on the road. Instead of flying out of the way at the last minute they just waddle pathetically slowly and then you run over them which sucks because they aren’t small – they are like a metre high and they put big dents in your car.

The move from seagulls to penguins would also stuff up cricket. Generally seagulls are smart enough to scatter when the ball comes their way and even if they do get hit the ball normally goes to the boundary anyway. Penguin/ball collisions would likely change the game completely. Serious injuries would also ensue as people trip over them in the outfield.

Going to the beach would also suck, with the whole place covered by penguins standing on their nests. If you did find a gap on the sand to put your towel on the bastards would probably peck at your eyes with those big pointy looking beaks.

So I guess the moral of the story is just because a bird is pretty doesn’t necessarily mean it’s good.

Roger I have the solution

Roger Federer I sacrificed myself for you. I stayed up way past my bed time to watch you whilst drinking more beers than is now officially regarded as healthy. So how do you repay me? I’d have thought it reasonable that you win, match the record of Sampras and put a big smile on the dial of your ugly fat-faced girlfriend. Instead you perform pathetically and lose in five sets. You disappoint me, just like the Shark disappointed me every time he teed up at Augusta. You suck.

I would become a Nadal fan but I just can’t respect a man who spends 20% of time on court picking his undies out from his crack. Surely Pat Rafter could have a word to him about the very comfortable products on offer from Bonds. I suspect that despite his fortunes Nadal is a cheapskate who purchases underwear in a ten pack from Best & Less. Splash out man!

To be universally regarded as the best player ever Roger needs to win two more majors, including the French. Clearly he will never do this while he is playing the man in the Best & Less undies. As I see it, the solution is a Tonya Harding style pre-emptive strike. All it will take is one thug and one clean strike of a pipe upon Rafa’s leg, just before Paris. He will be out for the French and Wimbledon and Roger will coast through. Roger should then retire, dump the beast and get himself the awesome supermodel girlfriend he deserves.