Australia it's time to be awesome

I’ve always been a tad embarrassed by the Australian flag. Having another country’s flag in the corner feels a bit like wearing some sad hand-me-down. Your brother’s name is still on it but mum has just sewn on a few stars to make it special (and then she’s gone and made another for your sister but has put red bits in the middle of the stars).

If we want to be looked upon seriously in this world we need an image change. To get our flag looking way fancier than all the other sad old flags I thought that ours should be in 3D! After all, how awesome would it be to have a boxing kangaroo that actually looks like its punching you in the face?

Then I thought the 3D thing is probably just a bit of a fad and we should look at where the future is headed. Now I’m thinking a moving hologram containing a montage of memorable Aussie moments should be used to represent our country. So what would be contained in this montage?

First and foremost I think we need something that asserts our superiority over England so I suggest Shane Warne’s famous stump dance that he performed after claiming the Ashes at Trent Bridge (either that or the Gatting ball which was just hasn’t been replayed enough for my liking).

Then I think we should have a holographic replay of Jen Hawkins losing her skirt as she walks down the runway. Not only would this demonstrate that we are a land of great natural beauty – it would also show how we can carry on in the face of adversity.

I would then like to see the red kangaroo going nuts on Marty the Monster. This is without a doubt the greatest moment in Australian television history and would also serve to show that we have fierce fauna that deserves respect.

Obviously we also need to change the anthem. So that people from across the world can sing along I’d suggest something from AC/DC. How good would that be when we won gold at the Olympics? People would be willing us on just so they could join in on our anthem while watching the hologram.

Lasers are pretty awesome

It seems lasers can do anything. I just saw an ad for a laser hair treatment that regrows hair on bald people 96% of the time. That amazes me because they have laser hair removal that is supposed to get rid of unwanted hair forever. How the fuck do the lasers know what they are supposed to be doing? If they get mixed up your girlfriend could quickly end up looking like Angry Anderson with a huge bush.

I'm happy that lasers are in such high use these days. Every old movie that showed life in the future had flying cars, people in shiny jump suits and lasers. Now we are in the future people still wear jeans and drive on the road but at least they are getting their bits zapped by lasers. I'm hoping pretty soon to have a mini light sabre just for chopping up vegetables and stuff. It wouldn't be as cool as a flying car but it would be pretty fucking cool.

stupid, good for nothing, pain in the arse, low class, cry baby bitch.

First it was Mitch Johnson’s mum and now it is Lara fricking Bingle fucking it up for our cricket team. Women of Australia I urge you to exercise some emotional stability if you are in any way involved with one of our cricketers. Your histrionics are not fair on the players, not fair on the team and not fair on your fellow Australians.

I know the Bingle situation has been analysed to death but let me analyse it some more with my top five reasons why Lara Bingle is a stupid, good for nothing, pain in the arse, low class, cry baby bitch.

1. If I had acquired a luxury Bondi Penthouse and an Aston Martin having never really done anything in my life besides a 5 second appearance on a tourism ad I think I’d act with a little more gratitude.

2. Being upset about the publication of a naked picture is a bit rich when your job mostly involves baring your bits for the cameras. It’s extra rich when you then accept $200,000 for an interview with the magazine that published the photo.

3. Pup has an exulted position as the vice captain of the Australian cricket team. He’s got an important job to do and having some whinging bitch disrupting things really won’t help with his cut shot.

4. Ever heard of a phone? Why make Pup leave the tour when you could just ring up and say “it’s over. I’ll leave the ring in the little bowl on the kitchen counter. Sorry for being such an annoying bitch this whole time…”

5. Giving the press the finger is not at all classy and not really very smart. If you are constantly in the media spotlight you should have an inkling of how to behave when cameras are pointed in your direction.

Lara, the only way you can ever redeem yourself is by hooking up with Kevin Peiterson and annoying the crap out of him during the Ashes so he gets a series of ducks.

Shameful Shamwow

Infomercials can be quite compelling and encourage all sorts or weird desires. Without a doubt the most compelling infomercial of late has been that for Shamwow. I mean who’d have thought you could spill coca cola on a piece of white shag pile and simply suck it straight up with a towel? That’s really impressive. The dude presenting it is also so ultra persuasive that by the end of it you feel like an idiot for not owning one.

The main thing that stopped me buying a Shamwow was that I didn’t want to be a person who bought stuff off infomercials (especially something that had the word sham right there in its name). The other factor was that they cost $50 plus $10 postage which just seems like massive a rip off.

Today however I noticed the Shamezee at a Marrickville discount store. It costs just $5. Bargain! Doing my research online I worked out that the Shamezee is actually a cheaper version of the Shameze which is a cheaper version of the Shamwow. The box doesn’t mention what country the Shamezee is made in but it does say you’ll find a limited 10 year warranty inside. Sadly there is none so I’m just hoping my Shamezees manage to hang together and soak up my spillages for the next decade.

There is a 9 minute Youtube video comparing the Shamwow to the Shameze but after a minute and a half of viewing I realised that my life was sad, meaningless and disturbingly pathetic.

Gary the zebra fucker

Gary was a lion. He could kill all sorts of animals but he just wasn’t big or tough enough to win a fight with Bruce. This sucked because it meant Bruce got to fuck all the lionesses while Gary got nothing.

As the months and years passed by the sexual frustration built. He started having all these weird fantasies that just wouldn’t go away. Then one day as he was bringing down a zebra he decided that before he killed it he might do the unthinkable. Gary became a zebra fucker.

Rumours of Gary’s zebra fucking quickly circulated and Gary found himself shunned from the pride. Every day Daphne the lioness would taunt him by saying “what’s the matter Gary, is my arse not stripey enough for you?” Whenever Bruce saw him he would say “Go fuck a zebra you fucking zebra fucker.”

Gary tried to redeem himself by killing lots of animals for the pride but no one would eat them because they all suspected the offerings were filled with jiz. Gary was forced to leave the pride.

Gary left the savannah behind and headed for the city, where he soon found lots of other zebra fuckers. There he drank lots of cocktails, danced to repetitive music, fucked lots of zebras and even participated in the zebra fucker pride march. Gary felt truly happy for the first time.

Conversations

As people get older they spend more time discussing their medical problems. I think part of it might be that they have more medical problems but a lot of it is because their lives become more boring and they have far fewer interesting things to talk about.

I might be falling apart but I’m making a vow not to discuss my dodgy back, fallen arches, migraines or other mystery ailments. It’s boring and as I spend not enough time conversing with people I think I should make an effort to say something interesting when I do.

“What have you been up to?” is a terrible way to start a conversation to anyone over the age of about 16 because inevitably they will come back with “just working, you know, the usual.” Ask an 8 year old and you might get to hear about how they have been amputating wings of cicadas but if you talk to a 30 year old it will just descend into some miserable catalogue of complaints about how much work sucks. I also have a terrible memory and if people ask me what I’ve been up to I have NFI.

From now on I’m going with “What’s new - any big plans?” as my opening gambit. This way people have the chance to verbalise things which they actually have a passion for and you could end up having a conversation about any number of interesting things. They might be considering buying a bunny rabbit, they might be training to climb Mt Kilimanjaro or they might be planning on knocking over the servo and would like your advice on where to buy a balaclava.

Discussing possibilities for the future is way more interesting than dry accounts of what people have been doing in the past. If “any big plans?” became the standard conversation starter people might end up having more plans. Once you verbalise an idea that’s been floating around in your head it also becomes more likely that you will act upon it. A simple change in the way we converse could thus result in everyone doing more stuff and having more interesting, fulfilling lives.

The other suggestion I have is to have conversations in French because conversations in French always sound really interesting and animated. The major downfall is that I can’t understand French. They are probably all just discussing medical problems and how much work sucks anyway.

Awesome Church

I was driving through Haberfield the other day and noticed the "Awesome Church". With such a bold piece of branding it seemed like it might be way more awesome than the Catholic Church or the Church of England. While already feeling spiritually fulfilled I was intrigued and checked out their website. Turns out they have a really fancy one. They also have their own TV shows and something called Divine Health.

The minister spruiking Divine Health doesn't give it the most ringing endorsement however. This is his thinking - "In hundreds of church services over the years I have seen thousands of believers come forward to receive healing prayer. An honest assessment of the results? Some have been healed; the majority have not been healed. Many times I have asked, why is this?

I'll tell you why. God, if he does indeed exist, just isn't listening to some bullshit "awesome" church. If you want to be healed you should go to a doctor. Failing that you might consider Chinese medicine. If you must start praying you should do it in some frigid church with terrible organ music, flat singing and rock hard pews. Once you've endured that for fifty years maybe then you can consider asking if the big guy will do you a favour. If you've been listening to Christian rock in the plush air-conditioned comfort of some slick marketer's idea of a church, I just don't think you've earned the right.

I'm sure the Awesome Church makes heaps of money. I think I might start up the Toally Ace Church and maybe even a Fully Sick Church in Sydney's south west.